Q & A: Conflict With Therapist

Q: What do I do if my therapist hurts my feelings or makes me feel angry?

A: Realistically, the question should not be if, but when. Eventually, both scenarios are likely to take place. And it’s unlikely your therapist is trying to hurt or anger you for "therapeutic" reasons. There are always bumps in the road to recovery, and the ones that occur between therapist and client present both challenges and opportunities.

Like other relationships, the more time that is invested, the more willing you’ll be to work it out. If you feel hurt by or angry with your therapist, tell him or her. You don’t have to be good at this, just say something that will signal your feelings. If you can’t express yourself, your therapist might sense something is wrong through your tone of voice, body language, actions, etc., and ask about it. Answer honestly and try not to shut down; therapy should be a safe place for expressing all of your feelings. While it’s natural to put off addressing the issue, my advice is: don’t wait. Unexpressed negative feelings can build up like plaque in an artery, damaging the relationship, sometimes irreversibly. You may have already experienced that with a friend, co-worker, or family member.

Once you start talking about the problem don’t try to fix anything. Simply share your thoughts and feelings. It will be most helpful if you both listen and absorb each others thoughts without becoming defensive. Your job is to stay open and to be attentive to your own experience. Take your time to understand what you are feeling. If your therapist has done something wrong, then an apology is in order. If your therapist doesn’t feel at fault, or is not sure, let him or her tell you, rather than blaming. If there has been a misunderstanding, generally it is the therapist’s job to notice and to accept responsibility. Some conflicts may be your issue, and if that is the case, try to be as non-defensive as you can and try to learn from it. Continue the discussion together until you are both satisfied with the resolution.

These difficult episodes in therapy can teach a great deal about how to endure with another person, how to stay close, how to listen, how to respectfully disagree, how to let go of bad feelings, how to fight, and how to make up. Conflicts test relationships, conflict resolution depends on them.