Q & A: Eating in Public

Q: I have developed an intense fear of eating in public. I've been avoiding having meals with friends and family because I'm afraid they'll make fun of me and I'll get so nervous I'll pass out. What can I do?

A: While everyone has their own unique path that led them to disordered eating, there is often one commonality: shame. Often there are defining moments, or what I call "a dart in the heart," that took a person from eating naturally, to being ashamed and uncomfortable eating in front of others. For some, it was when they got teased about their body or how they were eating or their food choices. For others, it was when they got praised for losing weight or picked on for gaining. When we feel shamed it is a natural tendency to retreat and attempt to avoid anyone or anything that might hurt us again.

See if you can trace back your defining moments. Who shamed you about eating? Who commented on your body? When did your fear of eating in public begin? Understanding the original wound will help you to heal. When I was in the throes of my eating disorder, I often avoided eating with others. I felt ashamed of eating anything, let alone in public. When I did eat with others, I always ate low-fat foods in minimal quantities. Unfortunately, I made up for it by overeating when I was alone again.

One of the hardest (and most liberating) times in my recovery was when I asked my father to stop commenting on my food and weight. Whether or not he was willing or able to was even less important then the fact that I stood up for myself. And when I finally healed from my own shame about putting food in my mouth, then whatever he (or anyone else) had to say did not go in like a dart in my heart.

Often when we've been hurt in the past, we think everyone in the present is likely to hurt us. Is that true for you? See if you can trace back to the times you got shamed by other people. Once you understand what caused your fear of eating in public, the next step is finding one or two safe people you might have a non-diet, moderate meal with. Also, see if you can muster up the courage to ask people who comment on your food and weight to stop. Please let me know how it goes!