Embracing Imperfection

Earlier this year, I was invited to spend three days at a resort in Florida. Not a bad gig for a shame researcher. While I spent most of my time giving lectures and attending workshops, I did manage to enjoy a couple of hours on the beach. I was amazed by what I saw. There were hundreds of almost naked bodies and no two of them were alike. There were old men, young men, bikini-clad teenage girls in baseball caps, old women in big straw hats—it was all there, and all incredibly and uncomfortably exposed.

The part of me that struggles with my own body shame wanted to scream, "Put some clothes on, people! Cover up!" The other part of me wanted to strip naked and roll in the sand (and I hate sand). I felt this incredibly strong and uncomfortable tension inside me. Part of me was ashamed by what I saw and the other part of me was liberated. One voice within me was small and apologetic; the other wanted to shout with joy.

As I sank deeper and deeper into my own struggle, I turned to my favorite defense mechanism—intellectualizing (if all else fails, stop living in the world and study it). As a researcher, I'm trained to look for patterns. What was the theme in this picture? As I looked from person to person, I realized there was only one thing that all of these people had in common: imperfection. Everyone was too naked, too exposed. Too real. Everyone was imperfect, and I was both drawn to the imperfection and repelled by it.

Asking Questions

A few months have passed since that day on the beach, and I haven't stopped thinking and writing about imperfection and my experience that day. In my professional life, I have come to believe that asking the right questions is often more transformative than finding the right answer. The two questions that emerged for me that day were: 1) Why do we believe that being imperfect is the same as being inadequate? And 2) As totally imperfect beings, how do we let go of this insidious source of shame?

Based on my experiences interviewing hundreds of men and women over the past seven years, I would say that the answers are probably a little different for everyone. On a personal level, many of us were raised in families where the message about perfectionism was clearly taught and modeled. We learned that performing, pleasing, and being perfect increased our "lovability." That is a powerful message for a child because the translation becomes, "And if I'm not perfect, I am unlovable." This message is almost always carried into adulthood and often fuels addiction. We spend enormous amounts of energy trying to starve it, drown it, feed it, and run from it. There is nothing more shaming than the threat of unlovability— especially for a child.

If, on the other hand, we were raised in families that embraced our imperfections, we are incredibly fortunate and owe our parents a debt of gratitude for giving us tools to navigate a perfection-hungry culture. Unfortunately, there is no family toolbox large enough to completely insulate us against a media culture that spends millions, if not billions, of dollars preying on our fear of inadequacy and on our need to belong.

Shame Resilience

In my research, I have found that men and women with high levels of shame resilience—those people who understand and move constructively through their fears of imperfection and inadequacy—share four things in common.

The first element is recognizing shame and our triggers. Men and women with high levels of shame resilience physically recognize shame and understand the experiences that are most likely to trigger that feeling of inadequacy. The second element of shame resilience is practicing critical awareness. When we practice critical awareness, we are able to more clearly see the link between our personal experiences and the cultural messages that fuel shame.

One of the things that came from my day on the beach is about finding a way to let go of our idea that we must be perfect in order to be worthy of belonging and connection. How do we move past the idea that our imperfections make us unworthy? I believe that it is essential for each of us to not just answer this question, but also live our way into the answer. For me, I believe that our imperfections are what connect us to each other and to our humanity. Yes, our imperfect bodies, lives, careers and families can cause us tremendous grief and suffering; however, our greatest moments of courage, compassion and connection are also created from these difficult experiences. I know for me that it is only when I understand and embrace my vulnerabilities and imperfections that I start to experience the resilience I need to be my best, most authentic self.

The next elements of shame resilience from my research focus on finding a way to build connection with others. It is virtually impossible to embrace imperfection and vulnerability when we are paralyzed by fear and shame, or consumed with anger and blame. We need to talk about our feelings and experiences in a way that helps us understand that we're all in this together.

The third step of shame resilience is reaching out. We have to develop the courage to talk about our fears of being inadequate, unlovable, ordinary, and "not good enough" so we can live more compassionate and connected lives. And the fourth element of shame resilience is actually speaking shame. When we can tell our stories and know that we can and should be loved and accepted for our struggles as well as our strengths, we can begin to change the way we live, love, parent, work, and build relationships.