Anger, The Misunderstood Emotion

A long time ago, when I was in the midst of my eating disorder, I read an article called "Anger Is Your Friend." At that time, I thought the author was daft. How could such a scary and taboo emotion be your friend? But that article began my own healing of this misunderstood emotion.

What is anger? Anger is just one emotion in the spectrum of feelings, just as blue is one color in the spectrum of colors. Also, just as there are many shades of blue, there are many shades of anger, from mildly annoyed to violently rageful. By listening to this natural, healthy emotion we learn about ourselves, how we want to be treated, and when we feel abused or neglected.

Healthy Expression

When anger is expressed in healthy ways, problems can be resolved. This resolution comes about when the people involved (and only those involved) calmly express how they feel directly to each other (and only to each other) in a way that says, "I am angry at something you did—here is what I want to happen. What do you need in order to help me make this happen?" The issue is then discussed until a mutual feeling of compromise has been reached. Both parties come out ahead; it's a win-win situation. Therefore, the goal of healthy expression is often to transform anger into positive assertive behaviors.

Anger Avoidance

The difficult part is that anger can be uncomfortable and scary to express. Women are especially discouraged, as they may be labeled as crazy, out of control, a "bitch," "hormonal" or weak.

In fact, many eating disorder families avoid anger like the plague. Any hint may be met with "Don't you raise your voice to me, young lady!" or some other message that says the feeling is not okay. In response we learn to rationalize our anger away, "They didn't really mean it… I shouldn't feel angry." In an attempt to talk ourselves out of being upset, we create an inner conflict, "I shouldn't feel angry, but I do. Therefore there must be something wrong with me."

Asking yourself, "Do I have a right to be angry?" is like asking yourself, "Do I have a right to see the color blue?" Anger is not a right, it just is. When we spend a lot of time and energy to suppress or rationalize it, we fail to learn an important lesson: anger can change and resolve problems. When it is dealt with effectively, we develop feelings of personal power and control in our lives.

The first step to healthy anger expression is awareness. When we stuff our feelings, they build up and can turn to rage. Rage is hard to control and causes inappropriate blowups. If we vent our upset when it is just a petty irritation, we will feel more in control and safer. When we immediately take care of our feelings, they will not build up.

Destructive Anger

In some families where there are eating disorders, anger is expressed in explosive and destructive ways. Any minor offense may be met with name calling, shaming, screaming and yelling, or worse, hitting, slapping, and other physical abuse. While these families easily express anger, it is much more scary, and conflicts are rarely resolved.

Resolving Relationship Patterns

Sometimes in a relationship, we find ourselves repeating the same unhealthy patterns. In her book, The Dance of Anger, Harriet Lerner describes these patterns as circular dances. Each person's dance steps perpetuate and reinforce the other person's movement. If we were dancing the polka with another person, we would both be contributing to the dance. We would only be able to continue as long as both people agreed to participate. If one of us were to change to a tango, the dance would change. If one of the dancers stopped moving and stood still, the dance would end.

Similarly, in a relationship, patterns can go on only as long as both parties continue. If either person changes anything about the pattern, something would have to shift. It is very empowering, especially for women, to see that they can make positive changes in their relationships just by altering their own behavior.

Patient Example

"Lexi" often felt angry at her boyfriend, "Dan," who did nothing to help around the apartment they shared. When he changed his dirty clothes he left a trail all over the bedroom. Lexi picked the clothes up, silently seething as she put them in the hamper. While he sat and watched sports on TV, she often was overcome by an urge to binge.

In therapy we dissected the binge, and Lexi realized she felt taken for granted and was angry at Dan. The urge to binge was an attempt to not feel her anger and to confirm her belief that she didn't deserve to be treated any better. She also realized that as long as she cleaned up after Dan, he didn't have to change. After working on herself, she told Dan, "If I'm going to be in charge of washing clothes, I would appreciate it if you would put your dirty ones in the hamper and not on the bedroom floor. From now on, I am only going to wash the clothes that are in the hamper. If it's not in the hamper, I won't wash it."

Dan promised to do better, but soon returned to his usual ways. In response, Lexi gritted her teeth and ignored the clothes on the floor. A couple of weeks later when Dan complained about not having any clean shirts, Lexi was firm. "I just did all the laundry," she replied. "If you want something washed you have to put it in the hamper."

The outcome of her actions was that Dan started putting his clothes in the hamper, and even did an occasional load of laundry. Because Lexi had changed her "dance steps" in this pattern, the dance changed, and Lexi felt more empowered in the relationship.

If dealing with anger feels paralyzing to you, work with your therapist to focus on this problem. Then you too, can make "friends" with your anger.