Lessons Learned Along the Way

As a clinician and consultant, working with an emphasis in disordered eating, body image, and issues related to trauma, I have learned a thing or three and gained a lot of humility along the way. Below are a few ideas that have proven helpful in my work as a therapist, supervisor, partner, and parent—and yes, there is a lot more crossover than I once suspected. I hope these tips will inspire you to move forward and make changes in your own life.

1) Be brave for one minute

I think I stole this idea from the movie Pulp Fiction, and I love it and use it with my clients and kids all the time. When we feel scared about something, we can actually break it down into one-minute increments (literally or figuratively), and it usually isn't quite as bad as anticipated. And the satisfaction we derive from having taken the risk, even if it was really scary, will give us confidence to make other changes in our lives.

2) Don't be afraid to surprise yourself

So often with issues of disordered eating and with individuals who have experienced trauma of any kind, I see a clampdown on what feels possible. We get into cycles of habits, rituals, behaviors, thinking patterns, and it seems implausible to consider doing something even minutely different from the norm. How empowering, then, to remember that we do not have to be limited by past choices or history.

I have been thrilled to hear a client, previously held back by confining thoughts and actions, share that she tried a new food, went clothes-shopping, and initiated intimacy with a partner. She is stunned by her own ability to surprise herself. It is indelibly moving to see that we can shift behaviors and experience that change is possible.

3) Try something different every day

Small, subtle changes can have ripple effects throughout our days and ultimately our lives. Try a different route to work, check out a new radio station, grab a shirt from way back in your closet—just shake things up a bit and see what happens.

When I want a different perspective, I will sit on the couch in my office and experience the view my clients generally see from the window. From that perspective, there is a wonderful vista of trees and sky. I get intouch with the fact that there is life outside, which can calm a worried mind, alter my own emotional state, and allow me to be that much more helpful in the next moments or hours.

4) Figure out what you enjoy

Don't we walk around often unconsciously doing, eating, reading, watching the same things every day? Wouldn't it be interesting if we stopped to consider, for one truly mindful moment, if we actually like this cereal, news commentator, television character, or shampoo?

I use a worksheet which asks patients to rate different pleasurable activities—things they enjoy doing, or would like to try, or really love but don't do anymore. Some become a bit overwhelmed because it invites them to really tune in to what they like and ultimately, who they are, who they want to be, and what they might allow into their lives. Go ahead and find out what brings you joy. The process may make you smile, if nothing else, when you discover and allow yourself to have what you want.

5) Show up and breathe

How many of us who are eating disordered have trouble being in our bodies, in the moment, fully present? Certainly the effects of trauma can wreak utter havoc and make it almost impossible to be who we are within ourselves. I use mindfulness, visualization and imagery, and relaxation response in my work to guide a person back to her body, and help her body become a safe haven to inhabit.

Of course, once we are at home with ourselves, we can now have a connection with others, which as humans, we all have a common desire to experience. 6) Eat a little humble pie

This has to be the singular most powerful realization of my life as a human and as a therapist. I often feel pressure as a professional to be an expert. However, I have been challenged and taught by my clients that while I have skills to guide, teach, and shift, I am not the healer. I do not hold or create the answers for anyone else, and I am always in the position to be taught by others. Once I took myself off the pedestal, so to speak, of feeling so responsible for wisdom and prophecy, I became a more authentic, compassionate, and ultimately supportive human. I do not render myself powerless to the therapeutic process, but the question is how I use my own energy and knowledge to connect with my clients' power, teach and be taught, acknowledge my own mistakes, offer and receive feedback and be an active participant in the dialogue of change. I continue to learn the wise lesson that not being "the expert" helps me infinitely in showing others that we can live through our own fear—that of being fallible and essentially human.

7) Smile—it doesn't cost any extra

I really do believe that if you're happy and you know it, clap your hands, give a smile, share the mirth. There is nothing wrong with having a laugh or joke with someone, telling a stranger on the street that you love her haircut/bag/hat, or being silly. In fact, all of the above can make everyone you come in contact with feeling more human and in touch with life. And you get to benefit too—not a bad deal.