A Son Who Needs Help
By Johanna Marie McShane, PhD
Reprinted from Eating Disorders Recovery Today
Winter 2009 Volume 7, Number 1
©2009 Gürze Books
Q: Our son has an eating disorder. Why can’t he tell us what he needs and how we can help? When we ask, all he reluctantly says is, “I don’t know.”
A: Your son is likely telling the truth—he’s not being obstinate or trying to prevent you from helping him.
An eating disorder can cause a person to become disconnected or out of touch with what he feels, needs, wants, and believes. This makes it hard for him to figure out how he can help himself, let alone explain to others what they can do to assist his recovery.
In addition, people who suffer from eating disorders often feel guilty for having any needs or desires. Part of recovery is learning to understand that wanting and needing are normal and healthy emotions. In the early stages of recovery, even if your son does have an idea of how you could assist him, he may feel it isn’t acceptable to want or ask for your help. This is especially true of boys.
Tell your son that no matter how long it takes, you will be there for him as he comes to recognize what you can do. This will show you have unconditional love for him, that he isn’t on a time line, and that you understand recovery can be a slow and sometimes confusing process.
In the meantime, there are things you can do that will help both him and you, as well as give you constructive things to do while he learns about himself. For one thing, you can become educated about eating disorders. The more you know and understand, the better able you’ll be to communicate with him once he’s ready. For another, get support for yourself. You won’t be much help to him if you aren’t taking good care of your own needs. Finally, when he does come to you to talk, give him your undivided attention. Really listen to what he’s saying and give him time and space to articulate what he’s thinking and feeling. It will become easier and easier for him to talk to you as he gains more experience doing so. Be patient, especially at the beginning when communicating like this is new for him, and encourage him to continue to talk to you over time.
