Q & A: Giving up my Eating Disorder

Q: I’ve been in therapy for several months, and finally think I’m ready to give up my eating disorder. There’s a part of me, though, that’s hating to see it go. I don’t understand why I’m reluctant to give up something that’s so self-destructive. Any thoughts?

A: Many people feel this way, so you are not alone. Even though they are destructive on many levels, eating disorders do offer benefits. For example, some people with anorexia or bulimia have been abused or neglected, leaving them fearful and anxious. Even though an eating disorder is confining, that very confinement provides structure that feels safer than a chaotic and threatening world. In this case the eating disorder becomes a friend, a defense and a protection. By focusing only on food, weight, calories, pounds, and inches, the person distracts him or herself from painful memories and everyday hurts and rejections.

Another example involves people who are lonely. If they have been hurt in a relationship, they may be afraid to risk being vulnerable again. They withdraw from intimacy to protect themselves. They may try to substitute involvement with food, menus, grocery shipping, and the bathroom scales for relationships with real people.

So a great question to ask yourself is: What purpose does the eating disorder serve in my life? Might it provide a sense of power and control that you otherwise may not know how to achieve? Perhaps you derive a sense of meaning from achieving something that is extremely important to you? If you have bulimia, perhaps you like the idea of thumbing your nose at the rules by being able to eat fattening foods and not gain weight? Has your eating disorder become your best friend?

All of us do the very best we can to take care of ourselves in this often confusing world. Even an eating disorder is the best we can do sometimes. Since you are in therapy, make one of your goals to discover how your eating disorder is taking care of you, and find more effective, healthy, self-nurturing ways to do so.

Here’s an idea: As you recover, consider your eating disorder a friend in another sense. Good friends warn each other when trouble is near. When you have an urge to binge eat or start thinking that you must lose weight, accept this as a signal from your “friend” that something is out of order in your life. Ask yourself, “What’s wrong here and what can I do to make things better for myself?” and then fix it in a healthy way. This way, you will change the emphasis from the negative to the positive: you are no longer trying to eliminate the disorder, you are learning from it.

Shifting from using an eating disorder to more responsible ways of taking care of yourself and your needs is scary. It takes time. Be kind to yourself while you’re making the transition. With commitment and practice, you’ll get there.

Adapted with permissions from the ANRED Alert.