HEART TO HEART: Two Steps Forward, One Step Back

From the day I began therapy, I was vaguely aware that I might struggle with my eating disorder for the rest of my life. Even if it took a back seat to day-to-day routines, it would always be a part of me—influencing the way I take care of myself, the way I raise my future children, and my relationship with my significant other and family. Two years ago, when I actually stopped therapy and antidepressants, I didn"t consider myself "cured," but neither did I think I would be dragging myself back to those long sessions of taking a hard look at my life. But when life became complicated and I began to lose control of my ability to cope without my eating disorder, I began to consider seriously what it would mean to return to therapy.

The Anxieties

It took more than six months from the time I admitted I had a problem to the day I finally called my therapist to schedule an appointment. In the meantime, my mind did acrobatics imagining every possible scenario. First, there were the money concerns. I couldn"t afford to see a therapist without the help of my insurance, but would my old therapist be covered by my new policy? I began to worry about what it would take to find a new therapist. Would I be able to find someone compatible? Then I worried that if I was able to go back to the same therapist, she would respond negatively to my long absence. Would she shake her head and scold me by saying she didn"t think I was ready to stop seeing her two years ago? But the overwhelming fear that plagued me was the oppressive feeling of failure. Was I falling back on old habits and thought processes because I wasn"t trying hard enough?

The Excuses

Each of these anxieties and fears became a reasons for procrastination. Most of them were easily solved, for instance by a simple phone call to my insurance provider. But rather than taking the necessary steps, I let those fears consume me. I told myself that I could bide my time; a little self-discipline would push this problem back to the sidelines. I told myself I didn"t need the hassle of going from therapist to therapist in search of someone I liked. When a friend abolished that excuse by giving me a recommendation, I fell back on my feeling of failure and told myself that maybe I could find my equilibrium again with just the antidepressants. My general practitioner was happy to help, but made it clear that if she were to give me a prescription, I"d also have to see a therapist. I weighed the anxiety of finding a new therapist against the dread of my old therapist"s judgment. But these anxieties were only compounded by procrastination and suppressed by my eating disorder. It was time to "swallow" those fears and take some action.

The First Session

Fortunately, my insurance company covered my original therapist and she was happy to fit me into her schedule. I sat in that waiting room with my heart in my throat. When I settled into my old chair and took in the familiar room, I began to feel a little more at ease. We spoke frankly about money and the time constraints imposed by my job and then we played catch-up. After the session, I walked out feeling good: my therapist didn"t judge me; I was covered by my insurance; becoming healthy again was going to be a cinch.

Reality Check

Session two was my wake up call. I was rudely reminded of why I had dreaded returning to therapy in the first place. Although I was relieved that there was no judgment and no confirmation of my perceived failure, there I was, face-to-face with questions I didn"t want to answer. Could I let go even further? Was I willing to face all my emotions without the numbing effects of my eating disorder? I wanted to cry when I walked out the door that day, but I had to go to work. Session three wasn"t much better. I"d forgotten how difficult it was to access deeply buried feelings, change how I think, and express my self in truly nourishing ways. Once again I was challenged to leave my comfort zone and stop using my eating disorder as a safety net.

Two Steps Forward

Although therapy is still a challenge, regular sessions have once again become part of my routine. I look forward to them as an opportunity to express my anxieties to someone who can guide me in discovering new ways to cope. My therapist has helped me set goals that are allowing me to slowly step back from my eating disorder without feeling like I have no other outlet for my emotions. I"m constantly encouraged to think about a life that isn"t controlled by my eating disorder and some day, I hope to make that life a reality.

Ultimately, I have learned that returning to therapy was not a sign of failure, but of success. I was able to recognize the need for a helping hand and reach out to an appropriate resource. I was able to overcome my fears and anxieties so they did not prevent me from taking action. And this time around, I have brought with me an arsenal of coping tools that I"m expanding and perfecting, rather than starting from scratch. With a little courage and maturity—and a lot of help—I"m taking two steps forward again.